Been a While..

Been so busy lately - been running around, yes literally like a chicken with its head cut off. Some think I'm doing it directionless and just reacting to whatever; some think it's because I can't say no; some think it's because I'm a workaholic...perhaps its a mixture of all of the above, but most times I feel compelled - this is what I feel like I need to do for Christ. It actually causes me physical pain sometimes; this pit in my stomach and ache in my heart to wilfully disappoint...not like I don't often disappoint, but it's not wilful...not just the person, but God.

Everything can really be rationalized to fall under the realm of serving Christ - because as we serve others out of love and focus on Him, it's Christ that we're serving. So where to draw the line? I don't like to say deny someone - if I am able, I will try. I've been blessed with many things; woe to me should I choose selfishly not to share it. I'm a utilitarian, and a bit of a socialist...until it becomes unbiblical I guess. I know that Christ could have set up shop in any one town and just continually healed people; but He didn't because He had a purpose in everything He did. Hmmm, reminds me a Spring Garden sermon (never finished the draft of it on this blog)...that we need to filter our choices based on how we want our soul to be shaped.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

At Campus Challenge this weekend, I met Amy from UT; funny we both went to Urbana 00 and remembered this speaker's recurring words -

What you do today will shape what you will do tomorrow.

Yikes. To a degree, I have fallen into that 'vague, big-picture' planning of what I think God wants me to do. So maybe that's why everything that I do can fall under this vague purpose. Thinking too far in advance makes us stumble on the next step cuz we're not looking. Hmmm...need to ponder that some more...

I have this uncanny feeling that everything is going to come crashing down on me soon. I don't think I've really had to go through disappointment in God too much before (maybe cuz I've managed my expectations..ie to not have none)....maybe it's time to learn that. Or maybe it's because my life needs re-constructing, and I'll be denied everything that I want right now - because it's not about me. I wonder if I've been sub-consciously asking God to make His will my will instead because I've been asking for what I want. And it has been hard to sincerely pray honestly "Not my will but your will". It has been hard to submitt even though I will it in my mind.

This was such a brain fart - a depiction of what a mess my thoughts are right now..why? Because I haven't had time to think, meditate and to listen. I miss thinking.